In 2017 I was walking with a friend in San Francisco, looked down and saw, “Tom (Heart) Eric” carved into the sidewalk. I was surprised. Then I was surprised I was surprised. It’s not like I don’t know any gay men. It just hit me that this was the first time I had seen a couple’s name tied together with a heart that wasn’t a boy and a girl. This little bit of sweetness reminded me of when I met some of my first long term male couples.
I always assumed gay men, being men after all, would just jump from relationship to relationship. I was surprised to find so many in long term relationships. So I wanted to explore that. Then I thought about the idea of trying to tie in some local gay history. All I had ever heard about growing up north-of-the-river was Liberty Memorial and I wanted to find out more. Maybe if I pulled together couples who had been together 20 years or more I could loop in some history as well if I asked them how they met. And that is how I got here.
So, I had my topic and parameters and I went out looking for couples. I went first to a couple I thought would be up for it and was surprised to hear that one partner liked the idea but other absolutely did not. “He had a different experience than me growing up,” my friend explained, “I was president of my class, but he got beat up all the time.” Not being gay, it is easy for me to forget that only until recently have gays been even remotely accepted. Needless to say, there is a long history of people not only being beat up but killed for their feelings. And as I collected the names of other couples and sent out my emails with no response I realized I was going to have to go about this differently. But I was also refining my idea.
Finally, as with all good relationships, it started with a friend, who introduced me to her friends, who introduced me to their friends. And soon I had my first 3 couples.
I think that many people look at a gay couple and all they think about are the differences. But long term relationships are long term relationships no matter who you are. It had sounded peculiar to me to say, “Hey, they’re just like us!!” but one man agreed to do this project for that very reason. He said it was important to him that others see that gays and straights are more similar than different.
I appreciate the daring and sharing of these men. The more stories I heard, the more I wanted to know and my hope is that this project will grow to be even more than just what I am beginning with here.
Tom (Heart) Eric 